Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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