I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
