you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
