Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want nice things and good sex
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
