Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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