I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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