Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
