All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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