Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
