how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
