I wish I could punch you in the face.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
