Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You ate ashes out of my bong
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
