btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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