You smell like stripper and shame
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
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He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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