I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
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All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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