toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
