I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
