Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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