under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
