i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
