did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
