So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
