a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
