So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
