Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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