Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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