I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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