my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
