My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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