Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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