i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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