You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
