Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
