One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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