She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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