69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
