She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
