i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I intend to get homeless drunk
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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