The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
