Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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