if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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