I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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