He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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