went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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