It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
