I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
