Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
