There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
