she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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