I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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