i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
