I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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