I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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