Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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