I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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