My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
