I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
