Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
